They always tell you to write about things you know...
heartache and loneliness are two things I know well.
I sit here today in my home ALONE.
Each year I greatly look forward to Halloween and dressing up.
But for the first time in more years than I can count, I haven't.
I stayed at home, although I was invited to do a few things...
I stayed home
alone
hurting.
Feeling alone.
Wallowing in that aloneness.
Was it good.
No.
Was it the right thing to do.
I don't know.
But it led me to sit right here facing my words.
Facing my feelings.
I sit here with them.
I am watching a show that sends them into hyper drive.
I am watching a wedding and all that it goes into it...
I cannot help but face the fact that for me it didn't happen.
I thought it would.
I thought i had met the one.
But here I sit, a little over nine years later still struggling to let go.
I no longer know what it is that I hold on to.
We did not look at one another with the look of love, longing and forever the way that I see others do.
I hate to make this admission but this is the place and the time.
I watch my friends get engaged, married, begin their families...
I cannot help but feel jealous.
I feel sorry for myself...
I wonder what was wrong with me.
Why was I not the one.
I cry.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face wondering why I wasn't enough.
I always wanted him to look at me that way.
As if I was the only girl in the world.
With pride.
With fascination.
With love.
I worry that I will never find love.
That I will never be swept off my feet and find that exciting, comfortable, magical love.
That I will forever go back to what I know because it is comfortable.
It is what I know.
i think that he does not know the hurt, the sadness that I feel.
he knows that i am trying to move on...
and I am.
Because I know in my brain that we are not to be.
But that doesn't mean that my heart is always following suit.
We are different people
and we want different things
and different adventures.
It breaks my heart.
I feel lost.
I feel like I don't know how to begin again.
I moved out of our home.
And into a home that I am still learning to love.
To make my own.
I am waiting for the rest of that chapter of my life to close.
And for allow me to really start over.
Start fresh.
To find the new me.
I do not know who she is.
I sit here and I try to free my heart.
But tears are just streaming down my face.
I know not what to say.
I know not how to feel.
I know not where to go.
Or what to do...
I guess I just keep going forward.
I just keep moving.
Maybe someday I will find that love that sets my soul on fire.