AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yes, that is my screaming. Today is not my day. I think I would really really much rather be Darth Vader and a Princess. But not me. I do not want to be me today. How shall I count the ways in which this day has been sour.
1. No sleep: sleep deprivation makes for a MISERABLE me. And it's not for a lack of trying. I went to bed at a reasonable time, in the 10 o'clock hour. I tried to sleep and couldn't just couldn't sleep. I came home frustrated and upset from soccer, and a disappointing loss by not only my team but the Blazers too.
2. Work: now work isn't always bad, but I work in a proverbial construction/war/mess/ever revolving door mess. Now don't get me wrong I do like what I do, it is very special to me. But that being said we are undergoing changes, changes in staff, changes in process, changes in supervisors (not that that is new for me...I have had like 7 in the past two years.) We have what one would call a real lack of stability, clarity and more or less anything positive right now. Things are a changin' and I do my best to keep up. Sometimes though people make mistakes - like I had. Things aren't very clear, I messed up, I tried to get a better understanding of why what I had done wasn't the right process - but the person on the other end was UNKIND. And friends that slays me. BE NICE. Not hard. We are all overwhelmed, overworked and underpaid but it is no reason to be rude. I don't like that kind of thing. There is no room for it.
3. THE BATHROOM: yes that very same bathroom to which I have taken a tumble while someone was utilizing the facilities - hence the title of this post. Oh man our bathroom is an ever growing (or going ) problem. It smells. It smells something fierce. Like an outhouse that has been doused in perfume EVERY time someone different uses it. It is really hard to have to use it day in a day out. Can't you people POOP at home? I guess when ya gotta go ya gotta go. But oh man I do not want to go in there! But that is not the entire potty story... Today I am wearing a romper, and although it is adorable, it is essentially an adult onesie, meaning that I must disrobe entirely to use the facilities. So today I make a trip to the smelly potty, and disrobe only to look down and find the sleeve of my onesie/romper in the toilet. Stellar. Thankfully it didn't hit the water and I hadn't started to pee yet, because that would have been the icing on my cake - however that would have avoided the conversation with the not nice lady...so maybe I should have peed on my clothes after all.
4. RENT: This isn't the great, show RENT filled with heart wrenching songs about love, loss, aids and New York City, center of the Universe, times are shitty but I'm pretty sure they can't get worse. It's a comfort to know that any where you could possibly go after New York would be a pleasure cruise...anywhere but Portland that is. Portland's rent is skyrocketing. So much so that I am not sure what will happen to our home come August. I am on the verge of being priced out of an apartment in which I have called home for 10 years. Yes, you heard right I have lived in the same place for 10 years - oh the things we do for our children. But that might have to change. Sadly, my "merit based raise" I received at work - won't really cover it. Rent keeps going up, people are priced right out of their homes. I am faced with the looming possibility that I am going to have to move back in with my parents, pull my daughter out of her school and start her all over again as a sophomore in high school. My heart is cracking into what feels like a million pieces. It doesn't matter that my Totter is super girl, that I work my ass off, that we do our very best each and everyday...to find in the end it feels like it is all for naught.
I suppose that is why I write these words, in the hopes that someone will read them, think that I am fabulously charming and that my words are a gift, rather than my brain spewing thoughts through my fingertips to a keyboard and thus to you. That said person, the finder of me, will say we want you to write for us, write for a living, write a book...write anything and everything. To make a life out of it. So that I don't have to worry about the smelly potty, the meanies, and being able to afford our home...I might still have to worry about peeing on the sleeves of my onesie because I do love the rompers oh so much. But who knows what will come of it - today it was merely the opportunity to lay it all out there. Put it out on the table and move forward. Here's hoping that tomorrow smells just a little bit better.