21

today marks the anniversary of the day that changed my life.

it shaped me

molded me

broke me

built me

it was the day my father left this earth.

i was nothing more than a child.

as i look at my own child

it seems almost unfathomable

to be able to guide her

to imagine her reeling from the grief that encompassed me.

i felt lost.

twenty-one years have passed since that day

yet i remember it so very well.

each year marks a different set of feelings

different reflections.

i reflect upon the nature of my family

the way in which we changed

shifted

grew together

grew apart

my sisters and i are now adults

with our own lives

our own families

our own children.

his grandchildren that he will never know.

i see glimmers of him in each of them

a mischievous glimmer in the eye

the resemblance in their faces

the joy in their laughter.

he would love them.

he would cherish them.

at least that is what i imagine.

i wish that he could see the people that we have become

our successes

our failures

our triumphs

i wish that i could remember the sound of his laugh

i wish that i could remember the way that he smelled

i do however remember our family

the way that it felt

sometimes it feels so far away

as though he was the tie that bound us all together

where do we go when we lose the things that seem impenetrable

i have spoken about my experience with others

i have reflected upon it time and time again

yet twenty-one years later i have no answers

it ebbs and flows like the ocean

some days it laps at my toes

other days it seems to pull me under

it does not get easier with time

it shifts and changes like a landscape carved by the wind

sometimes the wind wraps me up in a blanket of warmth

some days it chills me to my bones with no reprieve

i am left with memories

and that will carry me through

each day is a new experience

and another day without him

and some will be easy

some will be hard

and that is life.

that is life with loss.

it is never gone

it is always there

sometimes it shows its face

sometimes it hides in the shadows

i miss you dad

i missed you yesterday

i miss you today

and i will miss you tomorrow.

i love you.

#family #kiddos #life #love